I’ve had this buzz at the back of my head for a while; like a far away feeling, an undefined thought, a blurry conviction. Then I got an e-mail from a 14 year old student asking me for advice.
She knows, with an inspiriting clarity, that she wants to become a photographer. But she’s confused on how to get there; you see? her mother is trying for her to finish high school, to achieve a bachelor’s degree in humanity, and then, study photography. I don’t blame her, with the unclear future we’re all facing, to have a degree seems to give some kind of certain stability. but yet again, does it?
I don’t think I’ve ever told you about myself growing up, and I don’t intend to go deep into the details. But I feel it’s important for me to share a little and maybe help others in the process.
Growing up I wanted to become everything! I wanted to be a singer, a model, a poetry writer, a novelist… even when I was a little snot of around 7, I used to climb my favourite tree carrying only my favourite book. I would drag it everywhere and read my favourite parts over and over again. It was an Alice in wonderland’s book.
When I was 13, life got complicated and I felt lost, but that’s another story . I was still very much interested in writing, during class I would write long stories, short poetry, I would write about large rooms with no windows, rooms full of people, and one person standing in the middle screaming her lungs out, and yet, no one would hear. I was getting in trouble for not paying attention in class, so one day, I decided not to go to class anymore. Instead, I would stay outside and write, draw and try to figure out why I felt so lost; why whilst other students knew exactly what they wanted to become, I felt like none of the options I was faced with were what I wanted. What was wrong with me?! Of course, cutting class only got me into deeper trouble; my parents eventually found out and everything stormed around me. Teachers were mad, my family was disappointed and I was just another rebel to many eyes.
I finally quit high school unfinished. But I still didn’t know what I wanted for my future, and the guilt for deceiving my parents was becoming too much; so I got a job. I became a booking operator for an airline; and later on, I partnered up with my father in the family business. I was determined to silence that screaming voice in that big room with no windows, I so wanted to become part of the rest, of those who didn’t hear, didn’t see and didn’t question themselves.
With time I succeeded. the voice inside of me went silent and I led a happy, successful life working with my father. I don’t regret any of it; my father is a good, intelligent man who taught me invaluable lessons about life, business and honesty. But after 10 years of quiet, something started shaking inside of me again; and as much as I was trying to ignore it, the voice was only getting louder, the message was only getting clearer. I had forced myself to become someone I wasn’t because I wanted to “fit in”, because I couldn’t bear the thought of deceiving people around me, people who I loved dearly and who had given me everything. And then, I suddenly saw as clear as I’d never seen before. and that moment I realized: it.is.Ok. It is Ok to feel lost, it is Ok to be different, it is Ok not to be who others expected I’d become, it.is.Ok.to.be.myself. And just like that, the big room became bright again, and the huge, amazing windows I once decided not to see, flooded the room with brightness and opportunity.
I still cry today when I think of the pain I may have caused, of how much it hurt to face reality and quit the family business to pursue my dream. But to wake up every day knowing it is Ok to be honest to myself makes all the pain and trouble be worth it all.
To the brave 14 year old who wrote me a few days ago I answered to go ahead and study her bachelors degree, because learning is of the most wonderful pleasures in life; to go ahead and then study photography, because knowledge is so necessary and fullfilling. But to above all, and no matter what, follow her passion and keep her mind free of imposed rules, of can or can’t do’s, and of being afraid of making mistakes. Because, at least in my experience, from mistakes is from where I get the best of everything.
Right after I sent her the e-mail I saw this brilliant video posted by Jonas Peterson on Facebook. The buzz in my head became a clear message that says:
